Because you gave me 'everything'

In the night, I hear them talk, the coldest story ever told.
Somewhere far along this road she lost her soul,
to a woman so heartless.
How could you be so heartless?

The Line

I remember what my life was like before it happened.
I remember who I used to be.
And now, I will never be able to be that person again.
Because you happened.

You happened. And I wish you never did.
I cannot express or even begin to illustrate,
the amount of abhorrence I have for you.
But just to brush the surface...

I find you insufferable, and I am repulsed with the very thought of you being alive.
There is no amount of justice that could be served upon you to have righteousness realised.
You stole from me,
and if your punishment involved an excruciating torture,
inflicting pain and agony for the rest of your life,
it would still seem too kind and pleasant.

Jodie versus herself.

And my head told my heart.
"Let love grow."
But my heart told my head,
"This time no, this time no."

And six months later...

Wow, I really sounded like a nut-case last August, and it's safe to say that I'm still a raving lunatic.

Looking back at the past six months, though things are relatively the same, I'm certainly not in the same place. There are many things I could divulge, however there's only one point worth mentioning - Fear, or lack thereof.

Fearless - I don't believe it's being oblivious to dangers, or the absence of fear itself. Rather, it's having fears, and having hesitations and disbelief, and living regardless of what scares you. And sometimes being fearless means having faith that someday things will change, or letting yourself cry under your blanket. And no matter what life throws at you, you continue to believe in life and love, that's fearless.

As someone who wears her heart on her sleeves, I have to be fearless. Other people who also live life this way will understand how easy it is to get hurt and end up disappointed, but we learn to let go and continue believing in others and in life; continuing to fight for what you believe in, no matter how many times you've tried and how many times you've lost.

Over the past six months, I've been able to find out what it really means to be fearless. I've been confronted and challenged, and by the end of it all, I can honestly say -

I dare to be fearless.

From Shakespeare's Othello, 1604:

IAGO:
It is as sure as you are Roderigo,
Were I the Moor, I would not be Iago:
In following him, I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so, for my peculiar end:
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.

~ Life is beautiful, but it's complicated ♥

Explain and Shields?

Just to clarify, I didn't create this blog to talk about how great my weekend was, or how I feel like buying a new outfit, because frankly, if I don't care about those things, I would not waste time writing about them...

I think the main reason I've done this is to get all my thoughts out of my head. I can't be too sure though, because lately, I haven't been able to stay on one thought for more than a couple of minutes... Even creating this thing took me long enough... thinking of a title? I tried to come up with something that had some relation to me... and I guess a close friend told me I have courage for surviving a few things, and I suppose I believe him.

I'm pretty easy to work out on the surface... Primarily made up of music, aid and development work, university, family and friends, and a big chuck of alone time.

1. MUSIC - simple enough: i LOVE it. From playing, performing, composing, listening, to critiquing, interpreting, remixing, transposing, studying, experimenting... I would have started playing with the piano before I started walking if I had it my way (:

2. Aid and Development - welcome to my world of trying to make poverty history. After doing the 40 Hour Famine, being Team Leaders, giving speeches, raising thousands of dollars, advocating on the streets, dressing up as a mime, pretending to be a slave and most recently, a Coordinator to the most brilliant bunch of high school-aged Ambassadors, I can push away any skepticism and safely ask, can we end extreme poverty? Yes.we.can.

3. University - I hope it's where I want to be, or I am really wasting my time and a hell of a lot of money. If not, I'm bloody well going to make the most out of it anyway...

4. Family and Friends - pretty self-explanatory. I have a little trouble finding out who the 'true' friends are... the ones that take the bus with me when the limousine has broken down, but I'm getting there.

5. Alone time - man, do I love my alone time... I probably need a large amount of it since a huge proportion of my true-interior self is hidden and stored under my shielded surface, I need some sort of outlet.

Talking about shields... Consider how that term has changed and been given various meanings. Automatically thinking of armour which protects me from a bow and arrow (something not quite as necessary nowadays... ), its purpose is to protect. Whether its from arrows, rocks, bullets, or criticism, disappointment and rejection - some people have them and some don't, and some people need them and some don't.

Why people create shields is open to each individual... From having too much pride, to learning from past hurts and also being afraid, these invisible barriers into our inner-self are not flaws... Most are wall-like... some like sticks, easily pulled down, and others like diamonds, impossible to drill through.

My wall? I didn't have one a year or so back. I was naive. What did I need to protect myself against? I thought the world was safe and that I was safe. Don't get me wrong - I'm not all down on life, because I truly am one of the lucky ones and I love my life. But man, I should of had that wall up. After I found out that I needed that wall, it was too late, and I measly built myself a wall of hay... built with cynicism, rage and hopelessness. And unfortunately, that wall was ripped down and ravaged so as I learnt my lesson, I had enough strength left over to invest in a diamond wall... which is now... fantastic actually (:

I'm not quite sure why I'm talking about walls... But I'm safe. I'm safe inside my diamond box where no one can get to me. It may get lonely now and then, but I get by... that's what I do.

Until I have another million thoughts running through my mind at the speed of light, life is beautiful, but it's complicated. <3